Realization..

I've been a little sad lately. Actually, a lot sad. I kind of thought maybe I was throwing a pity party for myself and trid to tell myself to get over it.

Until I realized (at the doctor, no less..) that my past year or so has been pretty poopy. In 13 months my husband left me, I watched my grandmother die, and my Dad died very suddenly and we were forced to make tough decisions regarding his life. It was one thing after another. And each one occurred just as I thought I was getting over the previous incident.

It's okay for me to be sad. It's okay for me to have a bad day. It's even okay for me to cry. Heck, it's expected. I don't have to be a robot and I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. And if I'm sad, I'm allowed to be sad. I have to learn to be okay with my feelings and cut myself a little slack.

So, I'm sad. I'm sad I can't call my dad or get a hug from him. I'm sad I won't be able to watch him with his grandchildren (someday, not now obviously). And I'm really sad that my mom has to go through life without her best friend and her partner. All those things I'm sad about, she's sad about, too.

And that's okay.

We'll get through this, absolutely. And we'll be stronger because of it. But for now, it's okay to be sad.

Home, Home on the Range...

..."Where the deer and the antelope play..."

Yeah. Those deer. They're the problem. Seems Mommy was in a run in with a big guy December 30th (yes, one day before the year of hell was to be over..) and did some major damage to the vehicle and her nerves.

Fast forward to this evening. Please keep in mind I live in Metro-DC. We're talking TONS of people, cars, etc. As I was merging on to I-95, there was a deer in the middle of the on ramp. I swerved to avoid him and almost crash right into his little, er, big friend. I was able to avoid them both, but it sure did do a number on my nerves. We're talking deep-breaths-Lori-or-you'll-drive-off-the-road-because-of-a-panic-attack nerves.

I'm just not understanding the karma around all of this. I'm a decent human being. Sometimes I forget to take books back on time, but I pay my fines. I work with underprivileged children. I teach for god's sake. That has to be one notch on the "Get into heaven free" card, right?

And so it goes. Life just ain't fair.

Tears.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly exhausted, but I just cried hysterically on the phone with my mother because my camera is broken. In my defense, though, it was a gift from my grandmother and she has since passed. It was a wedding gift, so on top of being sad that my camera broke and that it was going to cost me at least $150, I was also reminded that I have a failed marriage under my belt.

While I'm normally able to handle the flood of emotions that often come when you are grieving the loss of a marriage, it's almost crippling when you attempt to handle the grieving that comes along with a grandmother who has passed away. And to be completely honest with you, I'm not sure I've actually handled that grief. Unfortunately, she passed while the emotions were still very raw with the divorce. While I was okay handling one loss, two was not possible. It's only been recently that I've actually been able to come to terms with my grandmother's passing, which was difficult because she was the last grandparent and she passed while in the care of hospice. If you've ever gone through that, you understand the trauma that comes with it.

Combining the two at 9:30 at night? Not so good.

I'm going to run to bed. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow. Somehow I think those ice cream snickers I bought tonight, for no apparent reason, might come in handy. And, I had to buy a new duvet cover because Zoey ate M&M's on it and stained it. So at least I'll have ice cream snickers and a new duvet cover to cuddle with. Oh and Zoey. If I take her off my sh!t list.

I can see the light..

Tomorrow is my last day with the kiddos. Part of me is sad.. but an even larger part is ready to bust out the champagne as soon as they leave. Seriously.

As I reflect, though, on this school year, I realize that I have grown a lot both personally and professionally.

Personally, this school year has been pretty rough. My marriage ended, I moved out of my house (and on my own for the first time), and I lost my grandmother. There have been some pretty dark times, but I've learned a lot about myself through these challenges. Life truly is a journey. And through this journey, I have made some lasting friendships that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Professionally, it's been one of my toughest years as well. I have worked with some tough co-workers, challenging students, and an insane number of students were added to my class throughout the year. I started with 4 and ended with 10. I also added two assistants, meaning I was managing 10 students and 3 adults. That's a whole lot of crazy in one classroom. Again, I've learned a lot about myself as a teacher, as a woman, and as a leader. All of these things have not only challenged me, but changed me as a teacher and as a person. A change for the better, without a doubt. Although it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, it truly has been a time for growth.

Bring on the champagne. This teacher is ready for summer vacation!

Stress... and a marriage proposal...

Work has me stressed.to.the.max. I know, it's the story of all of our lives, but it isn't usually the story of my life. I'm just bogged down with lots of paperwork (welcome to the world of special education) and a whole lot of kids. I went from having 5 kids at the beginning of the year to 9 in the past two months. Normally it isn't that big of a deal, but both times I got new kids, it was multiple kids at the same time. In my classroom, any changes upset the apple cart and we go through a metamorphasis and a trial period of re-establishing the pecking order. Add to that a new assistant and the news of another student joining us. Needless to say, my class is chaotic. Again, I know most of you teachers out there are balancing life with 25+ kids, but my kids have some pretty intensive needs on top of living in extreme poverty. So when I'm not dealing with the emotions that come with teaching students who are emotionally disturbed, I'm dealing with issues like neglect, abuse, and being impoverished.

With all of the bad that comes with my job, it would be easy to have a negative attitude. And some days, I have to really remind myself that there are plenty of positives in my crazy classroom. Like the kids who are learning to read. Or the kids who ask if we can do more math. And even the kid who changes from saying f*ck you to I hate you. We are making progress. We are learning. And we are trying really hard to be decent human beings. So, even though it may be chaotic.. it's life. It's my life. It's their life. And we can have rainbows and butterflies in addition to our tarantulas and spider man. And yes, in a classroom full of boys.. we have LOTS of tarantulas and spider man. In fact, I have a kid who answers just about every question with tarantula or spider. With an eye raise, he'll give me the correct answer. And that's progress. Because at his old school, he never gave the correct answer.

And now to the marriage proposal. We were talking about marriage (it's been a theme lately and I'm not sure why...) and one kid asked me if I would ever marry a kid. I explained to him that no, adults don't marry kids because kids don't get married until they are adults. Not pleased with my response, he asked, "How about if you wait to marry that kid until he grows up to be a grown up?". I had to laugh and then asked, "What kid would want to marry his teacher? I can't imagine any teacher being that cool." He looked at me straight in the eye and said, "I want to marry you. Please wait until I'm a grown up and marry me."

Awww.. little dude, if only it were that simple.

The One Like Miranda...

Don't know how many of you out there are Sex and the City fans, but I was quietly reminded of the episode when Miranda freaks out because she can't list her out-of-state parents as her emergency contact. I remember laughing about it when that episode aired. It was funny... and then it happened to me.

While at the doctor's office today, they went through the normal questions.. name, address, marital status, insurance, employer, etc. No biggie. I knew all those answers. She then got to the emergency contact and confirmed that the person I had listed was still a good contact. Um, no.. no my soon-to-be-ex-husband is not a good emergency contact. I told her my mother was a good contact. Gave the phone number and the address, no biggie. Until I got to the state part. The receptionists response? "Um, your mom is not a good emergency contact if she is out-of-state."

Excuse me? I'm already dizzy as can be (I have vertigo, apparently..) and feel like the room is spinning out of control and maybe, just maybe, I'll puke right on the floor without this bold statement that my mother is not a good emergency contact. But now? You've dissed my mama AND you're making me start to panic because WHO can be my emergency contact? Who do I pick? I have a lot of friends. A lot of good friends. How do I pick one to be my emergency contact? What if said friend doesn't have my mom's phone number (she will after I post this because darn it, I'm not going to panic about that tonight) and I'm laying in the middle of the hospital taking my very last breath and my mother doesn't even know?

Okay, yes.. a little dramatic... I got that. But, I was dizzy and the question caught me off guard. And I'm already secretly a little crazy about emergency situations. As in, I always need to know how to contact my parents when they are on vacation, at the grocery store, or sleeping. Or I feel the need to email my family my travel information when I go out of town. You know, just in case of an emergency. And don't even get me started about the panic that happens when I can't reach my mom on the phone. Cue dialing my dad. Then the house phone. Then mom's best friend. Right about that time? I'm ready to call every single local hospital to find out what happened. Only once has it been an emergency. And I still panic. Every.single.time.

So, single ladies out there- who is your emergency contact?