An Open Letter

Dear Grad Classes,

You can go away anytime now. I'm tired of you and I just want to be done. Remember how we had a great relationship last semester? Well now that you've doubled, I kind of hate you.

Sincerely,
ME
_________________________________________________________

Dear Self,

Never take two grad classes at once, ever again. I know you think it's a good idea {and, in theory, it is} but it's not practical. Especially in the spring.

This is your warning. Do it again and I'll have to hurt you.

Sincerely,
ME

Dear Ohio and Pennsylvania

You suck. No really, you suck. Driving through you is about as much fun as watching paint dry. While I'm glad that I finally made it to Michigan, I shudder at the thought of driving back through you in 6 days. Seriously. We're talking shaking in the corner, sucking my thumb, type anxiety about this.

If you could eliminate the endless miles of straight-aways, the obnoxious number of lanes (2 in PA! 2.. that's ubsurd!), and the length of your toll roads, I'd be a happy camper. I mean, is it too much to ask to give a girl something to look at on her 10 hour drive? I didn't think so. Even something as silly as a barn. Or a cow farm. ANYTHING. I beg of you.

I'm already dreading next Monday because of you Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Sincerely,
Lori

Anon.

Dear "Anonymous"...

I cannot stand you. You leave me comments (which I usually love, when they are from someone with an actual comment) in a different language. You clog my inbox with your comments and make me feel like someone actually reads and comments. But no, you're a spammer. You even take the time to enter the secret code, which I thought kept spammers out. Apparently I was wrong.

Please go away.

Thanks,
Lori



**Edited to Add: I have disabled comments from anonymous users in the hope that they will go stalk someone else. I apologize to anyone who wants to comment anonymously, but the spammers ruined it for everyone. Blame them. **

Sorry..

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Squirrel,

I'm sorry that I often let Zoey run after you, but did you really need to look me in the eye and drop a nut on my head? I mean really. That's not cool. She will never catch you and I really only let her chase after you because of this. I don't want to deal with a dead squirrel any more than you do.

Stop throwing nuts at us. It's not cool.

Signed,
Lori and Zoey

Dear Dove,

Hi there. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a twenty-something college graduate, working on a master's degree in education. On a daily basis, I teach children to read. Therefore, it's appropriate to assume that I know how to read.


However, one of your products fooled me. You see, it's not cool to advertise "hydrating lotion" on a body wash bottle. Because when you're frantic for lotion on the day of your grandmother's funeral and vacillating between wanting to vomit and shaking hysterically because you know you just might screw up the eulogy that everyone thinks you're going to rock (and I did, thankyouverymuch), bottles that have an oxymoron on them suck. Really suck. And it really sucks when you spread said lotion body wash all over your body and realize it AFTER you've done your hair and makeup, so showering is not really an option.

Let's see if we can rectify this situation, shall we? I'd hate for someone else to make the same mistake.
Sincerely,
Moi

Dear MTV...

Dearest MTV,

Jersey Shore? It's a train wreck. Total train wreck. I'm not sure how you expect me to comprehend what is going on when every other word out of their mouths has to be bleeped. Seriously? Train wreck.

And I just can't turn away.

Darn you, MTV. You are rotting my brain!

XOXOXO,
ME

If only you would listen...

Dear Pups,

Remember how I told you not to go into the mud at the dog park and you chose not to listen? Yeah, that's why you had to get a bath tonight. I know how you feel about baths, and believe me, I don't always care to give you a bath (all the shaking is really a pain in my behind..) but I just can't have you running around the house with muddy paws. Especially you, Little Dog. You think your "Queen of the House" status is going to fly with muddy paws? Think again.

I promise you, I don't tell you to stay out of the mud because you're missing the world's greatest playground. In fact, the other dogs know well enough to stay out of it because they don't want baths, so it's not even like you were chasing other dogs in it and forgot the rules. No, no. You two were the only dogs playing in the mud like a bunch of pigs. Even when I shouted at you to come, you came like good little girls and then went right back into it.

I'm trying to make friends here and you keep ruining it for me because you just can't stay out of the mud. Do you think those other ladies want to be friends with the dirty dogs' mom? Nope. Do you think they are talking about us behind our backs once we leave? Yup.

How about tomorrow you just listen to me. I promise I'll make it worth your effort. Puppy ice cream, anyone?

Sincerely,
Your loving (and always right) Mommy

New Obsession...

Dear Nabisco,

Why must you do this to me? Don't you know I'm trying to save money AND my waistline? Unfortunately, with the amount of love I have for your dear Sun Dried Tomato & Basil, I consume approximately one box every two days.



That's a lot of money (and calories, but I care more about the money) that I could be using to, uh, pay my mortgage? I would love you even more if you actually had a coupon I could use OR went on sale at my local grocery store. Could you please do that for me? mmmkkkkkaaaaay?

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. L

Warm Apple Pie

Dearest Starbucks,

I simply adore your Caramel Apple Spice. As in, I cannot get enough. If you could please go ahead and have this ready for me every morning, I would appreciate it. Seriously. Any drink that tastes like warm apple pie deserves to be mine every.single.morning.

Thank you.

Summer TV

Dear Summer Television,

You are horrible. Why, oh why, must you be so horrible? I have such high hopes for you when I turn on the t.v. Yet day after day and night after night, you continue to let me down.

Sigh.

I think you stink.

Sincerely yours,
My Mid Midlife Crisis

An Open Letter...

Dear Anoop-Dogg/Anoop Desi,

While I love listening to you sing, I cannot stand the porn-stache. I know Brad Pitt rocked it for a while for a movie role, but it's Brad Pitt. I won't complain about anything he does because... well, he's Brad Pitt. You? Well, you're at the mercy of the voters in America. I'm not sure they appreciate throwing up in their mouths watching you sing.

Not cool.

K? Thanks!

Sincerely,
My Mid Mid-life Crisis