Say what?!

I may or may not have said the name for a male chicken (c0ck) and the f bomb today. Before 12:00, no less.
Both were total accidents and I'm not even sure the kids heard me or understood what the big deal was.

I'm TOTALLY in line for Teacher of the Year. Totally.

Hand Check...

Me: "No! We do not put our hands in other people's pants! Keep your hands to yourself, please."

Little Mister: "But, but, he told me to feel how long his pocket is. It's really long! Try it!"

Me: "Um.. No. We do not put our hands on anyone else for ANY reason. Even if they have long pockets. We only touch ourselves."

Oi vey.

Teacher of the Year and Mother of the Year

Before you go reading too much into that title, the recipients are two different people. I, of course, win the Teacher of the Year Award and some other mama wins Mother of the Year.

While in summer school today, I overhear a little boy say turn to his mom and say, "Mom! Mom! I know her. She's a teacher at my school. She hits kids." The mom, without missing a beat says, "Well then you better be nice and don't make her hit you!".

Wow. Apparently other kids think I hit students. Let me defend myself before you all go thinking I abuse kids. I work with students with severe emotional and behavioral disorders. We're talking the cream of the crop. The naughtier the better. I get the kids who are unsuccessful at their previous school. I have kids who have punched adults (and caused an emergency room visit, no less), screamed obscene comments at adults and kids, and made numerous threats involving explosives, or other weapons. I have some pretty tough kids. As a result, I sometimes have to manage their behaviors with a hands on approach (I'm certified, don't worry) and it's always a last resort and only when the kid is a danger to themselves or others. So, yes.. it may look like I'm abusing them. I assure you, I am not. But, in the eyes of a 6 year old, it may look like I"m hurting them.

Thankfully, the mom laughed it off and turned to me and said, "I assume he has his story a little off. Don't you work with the ED kids? I can only imagine what was really happening!" and laughed again (with a little pity in her voice).

So.. I win Teacher of the Year for "hitting" kids and she wins Mother of the Year for being so cool.

On another note, not Mother of the Year? Letting your kids play in a public play place without shoes on. Seriously, do you know what could be lurking on the bottom of others' shoes? Wow. Let's just hope little Jimmy doesn't go wiping his feet, then his face, then your face. Because the likelihood that I stepped in dog doo before walking on those floors? Pretty high. Now you're stuck with dog doo feet little kids who might stick their fingers in your face. Sucks to be you.

Say what?

I'm feeling a wee bit overwhelmed right now, so I'm thinking bullets are totally appropriate.

• I was asked to be a guest blogger over at Seasoned with Words!! I'm totally excited and feel so honored that she asked me. I'm also feeling a bit anxious... what if her readers don't want to read what I have to say? What if I'm not nearly as witty as I usually am? Eeks!
• My eye doctor was wearing a Three Stooges tie. Seriously, who can take a man seriously when he's wearing Larry, Moe, and Curly on his tie? I about choked when I saw him walk in.
• I'm a little worried about Mother's Day coming up. It will be my mom's first Mother's Day without her mother and I won't be there. I can't imagine a Mother's Day without my mom, so I can't begin to understand how sad this day will be for her.
• I've been feeling a little under the weather lately, so my abs are really sore from coughing. Who knew coughing could be such a workout?
• I'm trying to be a better teacher and using some other strategies with my kids. They are LOVING the alternative assessments and our open conversations about text. I thought they might be bored hearing eachother talk, but it turns out.. they are learning more while I'm talking less! I love hearing their thinking.
• One of my struggling readers came up to me today and said, "Ms. L, I don't think I need your help reading today. I know how to read now." What an awesome feeling. He continues to need intensive interventions for reading, but to hear his confidence made my heart smile.
• A kid called me out for faking it today when I told him that I loved it when he frowned at me. He replied, "You're faking it! You don't love it!" and one of the other students said, "Ms. L doesn't lie and she would never fake it!" Bahahaha! They have no idea that I fake it quite often. But they'll never know!

Audience..

Today, my assistant principal walked in right as a crisis was beginning. She observed the whole thing. We're talking a category 5 hurricane within my classroom, complete with screaming, running, and an attempt at destroying my classroom.

For some odd reason, I was totally nervous during the whole thing. I am confident in my skills in dealing with these behaviors within my classroom, but it's a completely different story when your boss is watching you deal with the melt down in real time. What if I handled it differently than she would have? What if I was too hard on the kid, or showed too much empathy? What if I didn't send the student out of the room when I should have? I was able to talk the student through it and handle the situation safely. It just was really strange having an audience watching me deal with the crisis. Even though I regularly deal with these situations and my assistant, the social worker, or the psychologist is watching, there was just something about having my boss right there.
Teachers are observed doing what we were hired to do, teach. We plan lessons, our administrators come watch, and voila! We're told we're awesome, somewhat awesome, or kinda stinky (my technical terms, not theirs..). We're observed in our interactions with kids at times. Usually these are our abilities to manage our classrooms or deal effectively with discipline in our rooms. It's not often that we're "observed" during a total crisis.

I'm hoping she thought I was awesome.

Valentine's Love...

While I may not have a Valentine over the age of 9 this year, I am quite popular amongst the "younger" sect.

And yes, that's me on the left. I asked to be sure. I think it looks a lot like me, don't you? Minus the whole not having feet, pants, or elbows.

Aha!

During an educational informational insightful conversation with a few co-workers (one social worker and one fellow male teacher) we were discussing the luxuries of spanx. Spanx? World's best invention, after the internet of course, has to be Spanx. I mean, they hug in all the right places and make the buldges disappear.

Male co-worker hadn't ever heard of Spanx. I suppose that's completely normal, as he is single and probably doesn't hang out with lots of ladies getting ready for big events. After a detailed conversation about Spanx, he sheepishly asked us ladies, "Do they make these for men?" We, of course, laughed and laughed. And then? We had a brilliant idea.

Manx.

Spanx for men.

Thoughts?

Phonics, again..

Today's story brought to you by the j sound.

badge

Me: Okay, word detectives.. let's see what we can find in this word. Any letters that are going together to say something different than they normally would?
New Dude: Hmmm.. b-a-d? That spells bad! Just like me!
Me: You're right New Dude, b-a-d does spell bad but those letters are all saying their own names. What else do we see, word detectives?
Little Man: dge.. it says j!
Me: You're right! Let's sound it out... bbbbb....aaaaaaaa.....j. Badge! Who can tell me someone who wears a badge to work?
Little Man: I know! (pauses... pauses some more...brain is working really hard... and I can tell he knows the answer) The po-po!
Me: The pope? No, he doesn't wear a badge.
New Dude: No, the po-po. The pigs. You know! The cops. They be fightin' people and shootin' 'em up, tellin' them they bad. They take away your license if you drivin' without one. They arrest you for drugs and breaking and entering.

I wonder when I'm going to think before I speak. Really? I thought he said the Pope? Because my kids are thinking about the Pope? Doubtful.

Add that to my resume...

Today a little guy had a "piece of candy" stuck in his tooth. He couldn't get it out and continued whining about it, so I sent him to the nurse. She sent back a note saying it was hopelessly stuck, nothing she could do, and he wasn't interested in letting her really try.

After about an hour of feeling pretty miserable (he said it felt like someone was punching him in the face) we were able to convince him that he should try floss.

To make a long story short, we were able to pull it out. Turns out it wasn't candy.. it was a piece of plastic that was REALLY stuck. Like.. took a lot of work to get it out.

When I finished? Another little guy turns to me and says, "You should be a dentist!"

In addition to teaching, caring for children, solving problems, keeping children safe, teaching them to read, and write, and do math, and nurturing a positive learning environment all while dealing with their special emotional/behavioral needs. I'm also a dentist.

I bet YOU didn't have to stick your hands in a 7 year olds mouth to pull out a piece of hard plastic. I know you're jealous.

You Can Say That Again...

Wow.. I must be really cool. I have comments daily from these readers. Since, obviously, I can totally understand what they say, I decided to translate for you.

See what they have to say about me..

"Wow, you're an absolutely brilliant writer. I wish I could be just like you. I have dreams of one day becoming an amazing blogger JUST.LIKE.YOU."

and...

" I'm so impressed with your teaching skills. No wonder you've nominated yourself for Teacher of The Year. If only my kids could be in your classroom. I know you'd teach them all about the finer things in life."

don't forget about this one..

"I want to be just like you. Your humor, your wit, and your enthusiasm for teaching just amazes me daily. If I could be half as brilliant as you, I'd be lucky. XOXOXO, your favorite reader."

Yeah, I'm pretty much a big deal. Not like you didn't already know that. Duh.

Ugh..

I had to listen to bickering all day at school, only to come home to listen to the dogs fight. Of course, their fighting doesn't make me want to bust out laughing like the kids. I'm pretty sure they can't bark using curse words.

On a lighter note, I have the most charming (and naughty) little one in my class. Today she turned to a classmate who wasn't following directions and was, instead, ripping up classroom materials to say, "Hey, are you ready to join the group? We miss you and want to make sure you learn to read like we are." Seriously? What could be more adorable?

And? One kid turned to me and said, "Yo, Mrs. L. I'm glad you're not using your mean voice today. I didn't like it yesterday when all you did was talk in your mean voice." I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was the cause of the mean voice. For some reason, teachers don't like it when you curse and spit in their classroom for no.apparent.reason.

I Have What?

Little Man: Mrs. L! Your arm is all red! Are you dying?

Me: No, no of course not Little Man. I just had an itch.

Little Man: Oh. I bet you have fleas.

Me: Fleas?

Little Man: Yes, when my dog is itchy my mom says he just has fleas. Must be that's why you're itchy.

Me: Must be.

Do you think it was bad that I told a little one to ask his mom why d!ck was a bad word? I reeeeeeally hope he doesn't ask her because I can only imagine what the conversation will sound like.

no subject

Sorry for the lameness of the title, but I just don't have anything witty.

You know you're a teacher when... you get excited for professional development days because it means you have more than 25 minutes to eat, can eat without working, AND you get to go out for lunch.

Yup. I had breakfast for lunch today. At a diner. With another adult. And did zero work. On a school day.

That's pretty awesome.

Teacher of the Year, for sure..

I cannot believe I posted about jury duty when I had this to share.

One of my little guys was really ticking me off today. He kept getting into things, sticking things in his ears (gross), and generally bothering each one of us. Well, he had a hole in the knee of his pants and he kept making it bigger which was enough to make me go over the edge with him. I was NOT happy about this because I knew it meant I would have to deal with his mother who is a thorn in my side on a good day always pleasant.

At about the time I was about to go off on him I realized that the hole was thisclose to showing his undergarments. I sent him out to change his pants. I joked to my assistant that she should totally find the brightest pink pants she could find because I was super annoyed with him.

Instead? Girls jeans with teal sequins on the bottoms and his butt pockets, in a heart shape.

I died! Every time I looked at him I felt a teeeeeeenie bit better that he annoyed me so much because he was stuck wearing little girls jeans with sequins.

I think that means I'm a horrible person.

Say What?!

Today I was taking lunch count. The choices were: pork dippers, stuffed shells, and salad. What did I shout (because I have a really big mouth and it always sounds like I'm shouting..)

Poke Dickers.

What?!

Normally this wouldn't be a big deal when you're working with most 5 year olds. Except mine are a little ghetto. They know what that word means.

I had six little faces staring at me wondering why I said that word. Oops.

That right there will definitely secure my place in the top ten for Teacher of the Year.

Teacher of the Year.

Yeah, I'm pretty much the best teacher in the world.

I totally forgot to re-stock my school store (for those non-teachers out there.. it's basically how I bribe my kids to behave all week- I give them tickets, they get a prize based on the number of tickets they have). In order to not have to deal with the drama of the BOOOOOOORING school store and the numerous eye rolls I would get, I merely suggested we change it to Monday. Not a bad idea, right?

Wrong. You would have thought I suggested they eat bleach or something. They were not having any part of it. I instantly had five children claiming I was the worst teacher in the world.

Instead of owning up to being the World's Worst Teacher? I bribed them. 15 tickets for each of them if they waited until Monday.

Now? I'm hoping they'll forget.