Life? It ain't fair...

We went on a field trip today to a corn maze. It was tons of fun. Unfortunately, not all of my friends could join us. Because I work in a special program for kids who are emotionally disturbed, they have to earn a ticket to go on the field trip. Basically, don't assault anyone, don't threaten anyone, and don't run away from school. They seem like pretty standard rules, I know.. but they are broken on an hourly basis.

When we returned from our field trip, one little guy who didn't make it turned to me and said, "You know what isn't fair?" Knowing full well this was going to be good, I said, "No, sweetie. What's not fair?" His reply? "You got to go on the field trip and you're not always safe. You climb on the counters-- that's not safe AND you didn't come to school yesterday-- that's REALLY not safe."

Apparently it's not safe for me to stay home from school when I have the flu. Who knew?

If only you would listen...

Dear Pups,

Remember how I told you not to go into the mud at the dog park and you chose not to listen? Yeah, that's why you had to get a bath tonight. I know how you feel about baths, and believe me, I don't always care to give you a bath (all the shaking is really a pain in my behind..) but I just can't have you running around the house with muddy paws. Especially you, Little Dog. You think your "Queen of the House" status is going to fly with muddy paws? Think again.

I promise you, I don't tell you to stay out of the mud because you're missing the world's greatest playground. In fact, the other dogs know well enough to stay out of it because they don't want baths, so it's not even like you were chasing other dogs in it and forgot the rules. No, no. You two were the only dogs playing in the mud like a bunch of pigs. Even when I shouted at you to come, you came like good little girls and then went right back into it.

I'm trying to make friends here and you keep ruining it for me because you just can't stay out of the mud. Do you think those other ladies want to be friends with the dirty dogs' mom? Nope. Do you think they are talking about us behind our backs once we leave? Yup.

How about tomorrow you just listen to me. I promise I'll make it worth your effort. Puppy ice cream, anyone?

Sincerely,
Your loving (and always right) Mommy

Say what?

Setting: Computer Lab

Characters: My circus of a class + one very stressed out teacher (yours truly)

Little Man: Mrs. L! Mrs. L!

Me: (disgusted, as this is the eighteenth time I've had to remind him we don't shout for our teacher, we raise our hand and sit quietly) Little Man, what's the rule?

Little Man: I know the rule, but.. but... ugh.. (raises his hand)

Me: (nice teacher voice) Yes, Little Man. Do you have a question?

Little Man: Mrs. L, where's the shit key?

Me: Say what?

Little Man: The shit key! They want me to press the shit key and then a.

Me: The shiFt key? That's the one with the arrow.

Little Man: Ohhhh... why do they call it the shit key?

Me: They don't. It's the shiFFFFFt key.

Little Man: That doesn't make any sense... I'm confused.

Me: (attempting not to laugh) When you press it, it shifts the lowercase a to an uppercase a.

Little Man: Ahhh... so it's not the naughty word key.

Me: No, no it's not.

Sorry...

Okay, I know I've been a little... uh...absent.

But I have good reasons, er, excuses. First off, I attended not one but two weddings this weekend. One in Pittsburgh on Friday and then one in DC on Saturday. So I drove over 500 miles in 24 hours and that left very little time to blog.

Oh! And? Hubby.. well, his computer crashed. And by crashed, I mean water spilled. All over it. We're not quite sure how it happened. It either involved a tipsy hubby who was a little overzealous with his water OR a puppy with a wicked tail wag. Either way, we're down a computer and neither of us knows how to share. *Yes, I realize I teach little ones, I teach them to share everyday, but I just.cannot.for.the.life.of.me share my computer.

Probably the biggest reason I've been absent? I've been reading The Pioneer Woman's Love Story: Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. If you haven't heard of Pioneer Woman, you don't know what you're missing. Seriously. You'll be so obsessed with reading her love story. It's straight from the heart, eloquently written, and totally consumes your life. Thankfully I was lucky enough to be able to read start to finish. My online google chat best friend, Jessica, wasn't quite so lucky. She was stuck waiting ever so patiently for the next chapter, begging for more.

So.. go read. You'll thank me later. Seriously. (Mom-- this means you, too! Be careful, though, you might need tissues. And 12 hours to waste)

Lazy Little Dog...

Oh Little Zoey puppy, whatever shall we do with your lazy little self? You are always finding ways to show us the ultimate in lazy living. I mean, those pillows? They were put there while Daddy was folding clothes and you just had to lay there. (It should be known that she climbed OVER the pillows, dug around, turned in two circles and plopped herself down Right.There.)

This? This is what happens when you become lazy. Mommy thinks it's just too fun to dress you up. I'm sorry for dressing you up like little red riding hood, but I just couldn't resist. You're too cute and too willing to do whatever I ask you to do. Except get in the bathtub, of course. I mean, why on Earth would I want to make you clean? Sheesh.

Love,
Mommy

New Obsession...

Dear Nabisco,

Why must you do this to me? Don't you know I'm trying to save money AND my waistline? Unfortunately, with the amount of love I have for your dear Sun Dried Tomato & Basil, I consume approximately one box every two days.



That's a lot of money (and calories, but I care more about the money) that I could be using to, uh, pay my mortgage? I would love you even more if you actually had a coupon I could use OR went on sale at my local grocery store. Could you please do that for me? mmmkkkkkaaaaay?

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. L

I need YOUR help..

Okay, ladies (and gentlemen?)...

I'm thinking it's time for a change around here. I'm thinkin' a new blog title is a must. While I'll always love my mid mid-life crisis, I think I'm ready for a new name.

What are your thoughts on this?

You Can Say That Again...

Wow.. I must be really cool. I have comments daily from these readers. Since, obviously, I can totally understand what they say, I decided to translate for you.

See what they have to say about me..

"Wow, you're an absolutely brilliant writer. I wish I could be just like you. I have dreams of one day becoming an amazing blogger JUST.LIKE.YOU."

and...

" I'm so impressed with your teaching skills. No wonder you've nominated yourself for Teacher of The Year. If only my kids could be in your classroom. I know you'd teach them all about the finer things in life."

don't forget about this one..

"I want to be just like you. Your humor, your wit, and your enthusiasm for teaching just amazes me daily. If I could be half as brilliant as you, I'd be lucky. XOXOXO, your favorite reader."

Yeah, I'm pretty much a big deal. Not like you didn't already know that. Duh.

That wasn't right...

Our reading program has us sounding out words daily. The kids are really getting the hang of it. We're sounding out EVERYTHING we see. It's a primary teacher's dream, really.

Until you sound out h...u...m...p. I'm pretty sure in a normal primary classroom, it's not really a big deal. After all, a camel has a hump. A hump is a bump, right? Yeah, unfortunately I'm not in a "normal" classroom. Remember my kids? All emotionally disturbed and really "street smart". Sounding out hump isn't the best idea because in their worlds...

"Ooooh! Mrs. L, hump is what adults do!"

Oi vay.

Ugh..

I had to listen to bickering all day at school, only to come home to listen to the dogs fight. Of course, their fighting doesn't make me want to bust out laughing like the kids. I'm pretty sure they can't bark using curse words.

On a lighter note, I have the most charming (and naughty) little one in my class. Today she turned to a classmate who wasn't following directions and was, instead, ripping up classroom materials to say, "Hey, are you ready to join the group? We miss you and want to make sure you learn to read like we are." Seriously? What could be more adorable?

And? One kid turned to me and said, "Yo, Mrs. L. I'm glad you're not using your mean voice today. I didn't like it yesterday when all you did was talk in your mean voice." I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was the cause of the mean voice. For some reason, teachers don't like it when you curse and spit in their classroom for no.apparent.reason.

Phew!

I'm exhausted. I was reading some blogs and came across this via Mrs. Mindless. Which was pretty cool, a ruffled tee at a fraction of the price. Plus, it's DIY so I instantly loved it.

Fast forward to today. I get the brilliant idea to consult Mommy dearest who happens to be a master seamstress. I share the idea with her and she instantly says she can do it (and I actually believe her!) and was literally walking into Tar-jay to get the goods as we were hanging up.

Then, I came across a neat idea using ribbon and thread to make "flowers" and thought that might add some visual interest for the ruffles on the tee. I looked through my materials and Viola! I had all that I needed to make it- a plain white tee, black ribbon, black thread, and a needle.

What do you think ladies? I'm thinking maybe one or two more bunches, but every time I added them... well... they just didn't look right. And, when I put it on... any down below the bottom one will get pretty close to the shelf. The last thing I need is something to add to the shelf.

I Have What?

Little Man: Mrs. L! Your arm is all red! Are you dying?

Me: No, no of course not Little Man. I just had an itch.

Little Man: Oh. I bet you have fleas.

Me: Fleas?

Little Man: Yes, when my dog is itchy my mom says he just has fleas. Must be that's why you're itchy.

Me: Must be.

Do you think it was bad that I told a little one to ask his mom why d!ck was a bad word? I reeeeeeally hope he doesn't ask her because I can only imagine what the conversation will sound like.