One Year, Many Lessons..

One year ago today, I thought my life was over.

Now I realize, it was only the beginning of a journey towards self-discovery. If someone would have told me I would be 27, divorced, and living 500+ miles away from my family and friends, I would have called them a liar. I may have crawled under a rock and wailed like a baby. Or, I may have realized a few things in life don't turn out as planned and that's okay. It's more than okay. A blessing in disguise, perhaps.

While it's been a long, tear-filled journey, it's been a true lesson in life. Here's a sampling of things I've learned through this journey...

• life has a funny way of working out.
• it's okay to cry in public.
• it's okay to rely on others.
• I am stronger than I think.
• there's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.
• cereal is an acceptable dinner.
• sometimes God's greatest gifts really are unanswered prayers.
• in times of trouble, leaning on friends is the only way to get through it.
• friends are a gift.
• you'll make unlikely friends and those unlikely friends will become family.
• you need different perspectives in order to make life decisions.
• sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on, a punching bag, or a laugh all at the same time.
• being single is better than being married and miserable.
• coming home to a dog really can make you smile.
• kids will help you put things in perspective.
• often you will find others who have it far worse.
• nobody understands what you're going through exactly, but they can listen.
• it's good to have a friend who can call you out when you're being ridiculous.
• sometimes you'll be mad at the world, but you're really mad at yourself.
• therapy is amazing.
• it's okay to have to go to therapy.
• life isn't about what you have, it's about what you make it.
• it's okay to ask for help.
• even when you feel like you can't get out of bed, it's important to make the effort.
• life isn't just about you.
• it's okay to cry over what feels like nothing.
• you can't love someone else until you love yourself.
• forgiveness isn't easy, but it's important.
• accepting my faults is important.
• I have learned from my mistakes.
• I know how to say I'm sorry and really mean it.
• it's easy to hate someone, but harder to forgive them.

And the biggest thing I've learned? I am a strong, independent, beautiful woman who knows who she is because she's been through a lot. I know how to laugh. I know how to cry. I know how to ask for help and when to run away.  Letting go is not giving up. I may have times of sadness every now and then, but I know I'm better off in the end.

I love myself for who I am, where I've been, what I've done, and for who I am to become. I am me. That's all I'll ever be. But I'm pretty damn proud of me.

Poop..

Poop, poop, and more poop.

I had a poopy (I want to say a stronger word but this is a friendly place..) day at a meeting, then back to school for complete chaos due to my absence in the morning, and home to poop and lots of it.

Little Miss Zoey decided she would get into a homemade fudge kit I received as a gift. In that fudge kit was a bag of chocolate chips. Chocolate and dogs don't mix. Someone had a bit of a tummy ache. She threw up in the middle of the night, so I assumed (wrongfully) she was in the clear. Apparently not. Came home to a poopy mess in the living room. So after cleaning up the "poop" in my classroom, I came home to clean up more poop.

All of this on the heels of the anniversary of my separation from my ex. It was around this time last year that all of that poopiness went down. I'm a bit emotional and that just put me over the edge. I shed a few tears, ate a lot of pizza with the Maryland BFF (who is pregnant, so she was totally cool with devouring an entire pizza between the two of us and joined me in the tears) before taking my anger out on the kickball field.

Zoey's better. I'm better. And tomorrow is a new day. Oh and my birthday is Saturday. Booyah.

for those of you counting, I said poop 10 times in this post. bet you can't beat that.

Tears.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly exhausted, but I just cried hysterically on the phone with my mother because my camera is broken. In my defense, though, it was a gift from my grandmother and she has since passed. It was a wedding gift, so on top of being sad that my camera broke and that it was going to cost me at least $150, I was also reminded that I have a failed marriage under my belt.

While I'm normally able to handle the flood of emotions that often come when you are grieving the loss of a marriage, it's almost crippling when you attempt to handle the grieving that comes along with a grandmother who has passed away. And to be completely honest with you, I'm not sure I've actually handled that grief. Unfortunately, she passed while the emotions were still very raw with the divorce. While I was okay handling one loss, two was not possible. It's only been recently that I've actually been able to come to terms with my grandmother's passing, which was difficult because she was the last grandparent and she passed while in the care of hospice. If you've ever gone through that, you understand the trauma that comes with it.

Combining the two at 9:30 at night? Not so good.

I'm going to run to bed. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow. Somehow I think those ice cream snickers I bought tonight, for no apparent reason, might come in handy. And, I had to buy a new duvet cover because Zoey ate M&M's on it and stained it. So at least I'll have ice cream snickers and a new duvet cover to cuddle with. Oh and Zoey. If I take her off my sh!t list.

Weird..

Went back to check on my "blog-a-versary" and was reading a few of my earlier posts. (My blog-a-versary has passed. I've been blogging for 2 years. Wow!)

It was really strange to read my early writings. It brought some emotions to the forefront. A few I wasn't really interested in reading ever again, mainly dealing with the ex. Even though it's been amicable, it's still weird to read those memories, re-live the emotions. I smiled a bit, cried a bit, and even laughed a time or two. It's all part of the journey, I suppose.

And..  I wasn't nearly as funny as I am now. Just sayin'.

Tunes...

I have this amazing skill of getting random songs stuck in my head for extended periods of time. It's almost as if my life has a soundtrack to it. Sometimes the songs come and go and sometimes they stay for a while, taking up residency for a day or two and probably killing off some really important knowledge I need to, you know, teach America's youth. I kid, I kid.

Sometimes, however, the lyrics actually have some meaning or relevance to what is going on in my life.

Currently, I have The Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want" stuck in my head (but of course, it's the Glee version, duh!) and can't seem to shake it. I think that there's meaning to it this time and I'm pretty sure it's trying to remind me that you can't take life too seriously. If you're not familiar with the lyrics, they go something like this: You can't always get what you want, no you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

I think this is true of life. You can't always get what you want, but when you don't, you do get what you need. Take, for example, my marriage or rather, my divorce. It wasn't what I wanted, but clearly what I needed. Also, as I'm contemplating moving back to Michigan, I'm finding that it might be what I want, but not what I need. The same can be true for my current housing situation. I'm going to be homeless come July 1st, and while I thought I would be able to stay in my current rental, that's not what is in store for me. Apparently, there's somewhere else I need to be-- even if I don't want to be.

I don't want to get too in-depth about religion, because I truly believe it's a personal thing, but I think that's kind of how God plays into our lives. It's not about what we want, it's about what He has in store for us and filling a need we may not have even known we had. I do not believe in coincidences and I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that there is something to be said for things happening for a reason. It's our job to find that reason.

And now, in writing this post... Miley Cyrus has taken up residency and now I'm stuck singing "The Climb". Oi vey. I'm singing a teenie-bopper song... what has my life come to?

A Little Bump in the Road...

This weekend, I watched a baby overnight. We're talking a real life baby. All of four months old. He was too adorable not to pinch his little cheeks and watch him giggle his heart out. Of course, I may have wanted to give him back to his mother after he puked on me and peed on me. Keep in mind, I used to nanny. I had my hands full with three kids under the age of three. I knew everything about childcare back in those days. Puke? No problem, I'd catch it before it happened. A little boy who gets excited about no diaper? Yup, I got that covered. Literally.

Apparently I was a little rusty. And apparently, my hormones kicked into high gear. If you would have asked me three years ago if I would be in this place in my life, I would have laughed at you and told you instead of watching babies, I'd be working on making my own. And up until about 7 months ago, I thought that was going to be the case. However, life had very different plans for me and that's not the situation I'm in right now. Don't think I didn't shed a few tears and have a serious talk with my body, reminding it that I have plenty of babymaking years in me and that someday, I hope it will happen for me.

But now is not the time. And for a brief (okay, maybe not that brief..) moment, I had a hard time with it.

Now? As I'm enjoying a glass of wine and getting myself ready for the week, I'm thankful I am where I am. And I'm thankful that my friends have babies so I can enjoy them from time to time. Even if they do pee on me.

The One Like Miranda...

Don't know how many of you out there are Sex and the City fans, but I was quietly reminded of the episode when Miranda freaks out because she can't list her out-of-state parents as her emergency contact. I remember laughing about it when that episode aired. It was funny... and then it happened to me.

While at the doctor's office today, they went through the normal questions.. name, address, marital status, insurance, employer, etc. No biggie. I knew all those answers. She then got to the emergency contact and confirmed that the person I had listed was still a good contact. Um, no.. no my soon-to-be-ex-husband is not a good emergency contact. I told her my mother was a good contact. Gave the phone number and the address, no biggie. Until I got to the state part. The receptionists response? "Um, your mom is not a good emergency contact if she is out-of-state."

Excuse me? I'm already dizzy as can be (I have vertigo, apparently..) and feel like the room is spinning out of control and maybe, just maybe, I'll puke right on the floor without this bold statement that my mother is not a good emergency contact. But now? You've dissed my mama AND you're making me start to panic because WHO can be my emergency contact? Who do I pick? I have a lot of friends. A lot of good friends. How do I pick one to be my emergency contact? What if said friend doesn't have my mom's phone number (she will after I post this because darn it, I'm not going to panic about that tonight) and I'm laying in the middle of the hospital taking my very last breath and my mother doesn't even know?

Okay, yes.. a little dramatic... I got that. But, I was dizzy and the question caught me off guard. And I'm already secretly a little crazy about emergency situations. As in, I always need to know how to contact my parents when they are on vacation, at the grocery store, or sleeping. Or I feel the need to email my family my travel information when I go out of town. You know, just in case of an emergency. And don't even get me started about the panic that happens when I can't reach my mom on the phone. Cue dialing my dad. Then the house phone. Then mom's best friend. Right about that time? I'm ready to call every single local hospital to find out what happened. Only once has it been an emergency. And I still panic. Every.single.time.

So, single ladies out there- who is your emergency contact?

Bitter Betsy, Party of 1

Okay.. more bitterness. I would apologize, but it's my blog and I need an outlet.

First of all, yesterday was our anniversary. I had grand plans of hanging out with friends, enjoying the snowfall, drinking a beer or five, and genuinely enjoying my time with friends (who have become my family because I'm 500 miles from family).

Then? Mother Nature decided to rear her ugly face and dump us with almost two feet of snow, leaving all of metro DC paralyzed. Leaving me alone, feeling trapped and pretty down in the dumps. Thankfully, my fabulous neighbors swooped in and invited me over for some coffee and company. I was very thankful to talk to someone other than the Little Dog. She's great company and all, but being snowed in was enough to make me want to go ca-ra-zy!

Now? I'm all sorts of sad about having to leave Little Dog for a while. She's going back home with him for the holidays because he's driving and I'm flying. So now we're trying to figure out how to do the dog transfer with all this snow. I'm plowed in, so I can't get out.. meaning he'll probably have to come get her. Is it bad that I asked him to bring a shovel and at least help me get out? I figure it's the least he can do, after all. And talking to him makes me want to scream.. so I can only imagine what seeing him face to face will be like.

Plus, I'm super sad about not being able to see his family this year. I love them like they are my own and always look forward to Christmas Eve at his grandparents. Now I won't even get to see them again. Who knew, last year was my last Christmas with them? I certainly didn't. I know it'll be an adjustment period and new traditions will start, but this has been what I've done for the past 5 years. I will certainly miss it this year.

The silver lining in all of this? I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and will get to see my family in just a few days (even if I'm pretty much a scrooge this year-- divorce will do that to you).

Blah.

This divorce BS is really quite obnoxious. It plays with my emotions like whoa. And? I'm finding I'm pretty annoyed with those I see who are tra, la, la'ing along all in love. I pretty much want to play red rover when I see them holding hands. It's nothing against them, honestly. I'm just a little, tiny bit bitter.


Just when I thought I was in a good place, (wanting to play red rover is much better than where I was a few weeks ago, trust me.) the freakin' vet calls to check on Big Dog (you know, the dog he has) and make sure she's doing better. It's really awesome to have to fess up to some random vet tech that my marriage is over and that I really have no idea how my dog is doing. My dog. Our dog. His dog, now.


However, there are some ups. The dishes in the sink? Oh, that's right.. there aren't any. Because I put them in the dishwasher immediately. Everything is right where I put it. (This might backfire when I don't have anyone to blame for misplacing something, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.) And, the laundry has significanly decreased. Plus, I use waaaaaay less toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, soap, etc.


Cooking for one, though? A royal pain. I LOVE cooking. I love cooking for others. And I love sharing a meal with someone and talking about my day. Even though I didn't always enjoy my company, I had someone to cook for. Now? It's just me. Zoey (the dog) doesn't appreciate my cooking, as she's not allowed human food. I suppose it's hard to appreciate something you've never tasted and know you can't have. However, I have been able to enjoy cereal for dinner or a baked potato-- I don't think you can do that when you're married.

I promise, I'm really trying not to be bitter.