The 600 Pound Mother

Last week we were learning about polar bears. We read books, we played games, we researched important facts, etc. You know, all the cool things about Polar Bears.

Me: "I can't believe a female Polar Bear can weigh almost 600 pounds! I better write that fact down so I don't forget."

Little Guy: "My Mom weighs 600 pounds. Well, she lost 30 pounds so I guess she only weighs 570 pounds. But she used to be as big as a polar bear."

I'm sure his mom would love to know that he thinks she weighs 600 pounds and used to be as big as a polar bear.

The One Where She Almost Kills Herself..

I almost died tonight. Using a neti pot.

Apparently they don't work well when your nose is so clogged you can't breathe. The liquid went in the back of my throat, causing me to choke and subsequently inhale the special saline solution. I choked. A lot. I gagged. And I even threw up a bit.

The throwing up part was when I knew I was alive.

Zoey would have saved me, right? I'm sure the lack of opposable thumbs wouldn't have mattered when it came to doing the Heimlich maneuver. She would have figured it out.

Note to self: unclog your nose before doing the neti pot, or you could choke.

PS-- blogger apparently doesn't recognize the word opposable. I had to google it to make sure I spelled it correctly. I outsmarted spell check. I'm that awesome.

HELP!

I ordered a book from an amazon vendor and the book was described to be in very good condition. I took this to mean that it was, literally, in very good condition.

Upon receipt of the book I realized the edges were tattered and there was highlighting throughout. Am I just being too OCD or do you think I was misled? I don't normally complain, but I'm a little neurotic about the highlighting-- I don't mind it if I do it, or if it's neat, but this is different colored, and very sloppy. I did save about 50% by buying through this seller, but I just feel like I got duped. Thoughts?

I don't want to leave negative feedback, but very good to mean means little use and no highlighting. I would have said it was in good condition AND noted the highlighting.

HELP!

Faking It

It's really hard to fake it when you don't feel well. Any of you teachers out there know exactly what I mean. We have to make it look like we care a lot more than we really do about little Johnny's boo-boo, thus faking it.

 

When you feel like you got run over by a semi? You just can't fake it.

broken

I miss him.

A lot.

We'll never be this again.

Everyone says to hold on to the memories, but I feel like the memories are fading. I am having trouble remembering his laugh. I can't remember the last conversation I had with him. Our lives will never be the same without him. I can't hug my dad ever again.

Mostly it just hurts.



Dear Bachelor Brad,

Dearest Brad.. I know I'm a little late on this, as I'm still catching up on my DVR, but you have to know that Michelle is crazy. Seriously, this girl is cah-razy.

I mean, why does it always have to be about her? Especially when she's just not right. Her birthday? Nobody cares. Stalking the other girls during their time with him? Get a life. The world does not revolve around Michelle.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Lori

Snow Day

Monday night's forecast called for snow, freezing rain, and some sleet. Knowing that, I rocked the pj's inside out. You know, to prepare for a snow day.

 

Not only did I rock the pj's inside out, I committed. I rocked the panties inside out. That's dedication, folks. Ded-i-ca-tion.

 

Ah, the luxury of being a teacher.

 

Oh and the roads? Cleared by 10:30, meaning I was able to run errands and drive around.

Love/Hate

Dear Tar-jay,

Why must we have a love/hate relationship?

I love you.

My wallet hates you.

Could you please fix this? ASAP.

MMmmmmkaythanks,
Lori

Snow Day?

Seems it was an "Ask and You Shall Receive" kind of day. Remember how I wished for the snow day? Well.. I sort of got it. Two hour early dismissal. The irony? It hasn't snowed a lick, yet. It's 5:45. We got out 2 hours early and it didn't.even.snow. Ha!

So, what's a gal to do with a few extra hours on her hands?

Craft Day!

Those are all the goods. All are made with pins to make cute little brooches.

Close up of the "poppies". I kind of *adore* these.

And, I made them using hot glue. Not a stitch. Only fabric, hot glue, scissors, and a pin back. I rock.

Cute little bows. I mean, everything is better with a bow. Can I get an Amen?



Little felt flowers. Swoon.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with all of these.. but I did get a compliment on my homemade bow brooch today (that I made last night and didn't snap a pic of.. but it really wasn't that nice because the ribbon was a scrap piece, but whatevs) and someone did ask me to make one for them. So, perhaps I can gift them to my cutie co-workers.

Thoughts? Is that lame?

Me against the music...

Totally rocked out to the new Britney Spears on the way to my meeting this morning...

Not a big deal, except I have to be all sorts of professional in my meeting. It's waaaaay hard to be profesh when I'm rocking to the tunes in my head.

Oh those kids I teach? They're pretty dah-ling..

You know I teach the naughty little ones. Empathy, compassion, and positive thinking are replaced by anger, jealousy, and horrible manners.

Unless someone took my kids and replaced them with decent human beings. Because last week and this week, they've been truly enjoyable. They have such wonderful souls.

One of our vocab words was wistful. I explained what it meant and we moved on. Later on in the day, a little one raises her hand and said, "Ms. L, do you ever feel wistful about your dad? You know, sad because things aren't the same?"

Tears. Instantly.

Later on, another friend was talking about how God is a spirit (this was during recess, I did not start this convo so I was letting it go until I got brought into it) and then I had to walk out to go potty. Apparently the little man had a friend who disagreed, so he said to her, "You know, God is a spirit. And so are dead people. That's how come Ms. L's dad is watching over her. Just like my Grandma. Do you think my Grandma and Ms. L's dad can meet in heaven? Then they can watch over both of us at the same time."

Holy-moly! When my IA told me that.. I lost it, again.

Basically, I'm a blubbering mess these days. Those kids will do it to you.

Home, Home on the Range...

..."Where the deer and the antelope play..."

Yeah. Those deer. They're the problem. Seems Mommy was in a run in with a big guy December 30th (yes, one day before the year of hell was to be over..) and did some major damage to the vehicle and her nerves.

Fast forward to this evening. Please keep in mind I live in Metro-DC. We're talking TONS of people, cars, etc. As I was merging on to I-95, there was a deer in the middle of the on ramp. I swerved to avoid him and almost crash right into his little, er, big friend. I was able to avoid them both, but it sure did do a number on my nerves. We're talking deep-breaths-Lori-or-you'll-drive-off-the-road-because-of-a-panic-attack nerves.

I'm just not understanding the karma around all of this. I'm a decent human being. Sometimes I forget to take books back on time, but I pay my fines. I work with underprivileged children. I teach for god's sake. That has to be one notch on the "Get into heaven free" card, right?

And so it goes. Life just ain't fair.

PJ's Inside Out..

I'm totally hoping for a snow day tomorrow. Even though the snow isn't supposed to start until noon. I don't want to jinx myself, but that could be perfect timing for a 2 hour early dismissal. Which is just as awesome as a snow day in my book because we don't have to make it up.

 

So I'm TOTES going to wear my PJ's inside out and I'll encourage the kids to do the same.

 

Anyone else out there joining in the fun?

Love. In a Bag.

This?

This little lovely showed up on my doorstep today.

I'm in love.

With a bag.

Ahhhhhh, bliss.



Pop Watch

You know it's bad when your kids are using Justin Bieber as references in sentences utilizing our vocabulary words.

It's worse when you actually take the time to look it up on people.com (during lunch, natch) because if they are right, you are sooooo behind on the celebrity gossip. And we all know that's just not cool.

For the record, Bieber is NOT dead and he's NOT in jail. Which makes me think, wtf are these kids doing in their spare time that they use sentences about jail and death?

I should never listen to 8 year olds.

Slacker...

Looking at my January calendar and it appears that I will be out at least one day each week for a meeting, doctor's appointment, or a school holiday. Except the last week.

 

Seriously. How cool is this?

 

This week? Only 4 days of teaching.

Next week? 4.5 days of teaching.

The following week? 3 days of teaching. And they are all early dismissal days.

The last week? 2 professional development days, so 3 days of teaching.

 

That means only 13.5 days of teaching this month. Boo yah!

 

I'm pretty sure my principal is going to think I'm a slacker. Except she signed me up for these meetings, so I suppose she knows better.

 

I love my job.

 

 

Meltdown

Since my Dad passed away, I've had a few emotional ups and downs (read: I've gone bat $h!t crazy for a moment or two...) that seem to be triggered by a few of life's normal functions. Like grocery shopping. For some background, my dad worked in a grocery store and was my go-to for all things grocery related.

Especially produce. That man could pick out a mean piece of fruit.

In the grocery store tonight I had a bit of a meltdown. I always called my dad for recommendations on fruits and veggies. Because he worked in produce, he knew what was in season, what was good/what wasn't so good, what countries were growing the best produce, etc. He also knew the names of the different types of apples I like. I would call to ask what apples to grab because I'm really picky about my apples.

When I realized I couldn't call him, I lost it. In the middle of the grocery store.

It wouldn't be so bad, except it was my third time losing it in a grocery store. So far I'm 3 for 3 when it comes to crying in the middle of grocery stores.

God I miss that man. And his apple advice.

I Might Have a Problem..

I can't resist the urge to correct kids in public places. It's so innate because I do it all day, everyday, but it's soooo wrong!

For example, the little one running around Cracker Barrel yesterday? She got the stink eye and a, "slow down!" from me.

The teenie boppers running through our area bowling last night? The stink eye and a stern talking to about how to behave in public.

The kids riding their bikes in the parking lot today? Yup, they got the stink eye and a warning about watching for traffic.

Lord help me. If I ever have my own kids, I'm totally going to get karmic pay back for this.

Happy New Year

Happy 2011 from the ladies of Kids, Canine, and Chaos!!