Spot Bot

Dear Bissell,

Thank you for inventing the SpotBot Pet. All of those late nights with Big Dog throwing up and cleaning the carpets by hand at 1 am are over for me. I cannot explain to you how much I love you. I know I'm crazy and all, but I am actually hoping one of the dogs has an accident so I can use you again. Hubby thinks I'm crazy, too. He didn't understand why I had to run you four times tonight when it was 9:15 at night. Maybe after he uses you he'll understand. If not, more time for me to use you.

Sincerely,

My Mid MidLife Crisis

P.S. If you have a pet or small children, you MUST get this. Seriously.

Monogram Help..

You all are the experts. I'm looking to get something monogrammed... so far I have zero monograms in my life.

What should I get monogrammed?

I was thinking a bathrobe, travel mug, or tote bag.

Say What?!

Today I was taking lunch count. The choices were: pork dippers, stuffed shells, and salad. What did I shout (because I have a really big mouth and it always sounds like I'm shouting..)

Poke Dickers.

What?!

Normally this wouldn't be a big deal when you're working with most 5 year olds. Except mine are a little ghetto. They know what that word means.

I had six little faces staring at me wondering why I said that word. Oops.

That right there will definitely secure my place in the top ten for Teacher of the Year.

Hi-- Coo?

Um.. hubby is trying to write a haiku right now as a joke to some friends.

Me: How long did it take you to figure out all of the syllables?
Hubby: The syllables?
Me: Yeah, you know.. there's a pattern to a haiku. It's like 5, 7, 5.. er, 3, 5, 3..
Hubby: How the heck did you know that?
Me: Um.. I'm a teacher, we know everything.
Hubby: I'm thinking you're the dork now, Haiku-girl.
Me: You're WRITING the haiku.

I think it's a toss up at this point. But I'm leaning slightly towards him because a) he's writing a freaking haiku (poetry, come on!) and b) he didn't know that there were rules for writing a haiku.

And.. he thinks today is just one syllable. I made him clap it out. Dork.

Gee, thanks..

Today we were doing a little activity where the kids had to make two lists: Things I like to do and Things I don't like to do.

As I was reading through some of the responses, I noticed one that was particularly interesting.

"I lik to cum to skoll evreday to see my tchers prity face"

Translation: I like to come to school everyday to see my teachers pretty face

Yup, I'm pretty cool in the eyes of 7 year olds.. even if they can't spell very well.

Me?

Well look what we have here! 20-something dreams gave me this award because she thinks I'm pretty darn funny! Aw, shucks! Thanks!

Now my job is to nominate some of my friends for this!

1. Navigating the Quarterlife- I love reading about your Not Me! Mondays!
2. ...And Baby Makes 3! - Seriously.. who knew pregnancy was so funny? And I can only hope I'm as cute as you are when I'm pregnant.
3. Ashley - you're going to be a BEAUTIFUL bride!

More Love..

Dear Tiffany & Co.,

While I love you dearly, I must know why this ring has to be $7,995. With a price tag like that, you've simply put it out of my budget. You know, about $7,900 out of my budget. Could you please, pretty please, with a cherry on top, make sure this ends up on my finger by the end of the year? I promise I'll stop cheating on you with other jewelry designers and I'll even stop buying the knock offs that look like you because I can't afford you. I'm serious. I need this ring.
Ah.. ain't love grand?

Love.

I might be in love with Hugh Jackman.

Seriously? He sang on the Oscars tonight and it was awesome. Plus he's funny? Sorry hubby, I might be leaving you for Hugh.

And Ann Hathaway? Who knew she could sing?

Back to the Oscars, on our new T.V. Yes, another new television. As my husband says, it's a big screen willy! I'm not sure about the willy, but it is a big screen.

If you could leave your significant other for someone famous, who would it be? I'm curious.

"Pawgress" Report..

Just picked the pups up from Doggie Day Camp (yes, we do send them to camp.. it tires them out AND they have attention while we're not home and don't get home until late on Thursdays, don't judge) and as I was leaving I asked, like I always do, how they did.

Apparently, Zoey, the adorable, lovable, affectionate little dog, was sent for a time-out from camp this morning. She was in trouble for fighting. After I found out I was immediately ashamed of her behavior. I began asking a million questions like, "Was it her fault?", "What happened to the other dog?", and "What can I do for next time?".

I began to wonder why the cashier looked at me funny and simply replied, "Ma'am, it's okay.. she did fine in the afternoon."

Seriously? Now I can relate to the parents I talk to daily. I can empathize with them a bit about how it feels. I know what it feels like to have your angel dog get in trouble. I know it's not exactly the same, but I can totally feel for them! It sucked to hear she was naughty and had to have a time-out.

Oh and remember when I said I was starting to not care about things and my anxiety was totally decreasing? Yeah.. that went out the window today when I received a less than satisfactory grade on a graduate paper. Apparently I can't deal with not being perfect and sob like a baby to my mother about how unfair life is and how I couldn't possibly receive a grade less than an A. Glad to know that I'm still able to stress out like a maniac over little things. Phew. That's a relief.

Peach.

I seemed to have forgotten a little exchange I had with a kiddo today.

She was coloring a picture of me and came over and this is the conversation we had:

Girly: What color do I use for your face?
Me: Um.. what do you mean?
Girly: Well, my mom says you are white.
Me: Yeah, she's right.
Girly: But you're not white.
Me: What do you mean, I'm not white?
Girly: You're peach. Not white. Plus, if I colored with white.. well, you'd look like a ghost.

Another little one joined the conversation and said, "Oh! Mrs. L.. you're Princess Peach!"

The rest of the day? They called me princess, your highness, and princess Mrs. L.

Yeah.. I'm pretty much a big deal.

Nothing.

I've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

I wasn't with the mini's very much today (those two parent meetings? MUCH longer than I expected) so I don't even have a funny school story. The dogs are actually behaving, so I don't have any funny dog stories.

Sorry.. guess my life is boring today.

You found me how?

Um.. I've been doing a little checking up on my lovely readers. You know, just want to know how you're gettineg here. First of all, I have to thank Ms. Belle for sending so many readers my way! You rock! And.. 20-something? You're awesome, too.

Now for the strange ways ya'll are finding me...

1. midlife crisis killing me you might want to talk to someone about that. Seriously.
2. this is why I'm hot what? This old thing? Yeah.. that's why I'm hot.
3. funny midlife crisis sleeping with 22 year old Hmm.. is the midlife crisis funny or is sleeping with the 22 year old funny? I'm confused.
4. bear eat carrot dog eat poop? Oh no.. that's just my dog. What's up with the choppy sentence? cat eat broccoli? mouse make house?
5. crisis marley yeah, that was a crisis. Tragic, actually.
6. poop kid yeah, that's what they do
7. puppy poop midlife crisis really? Is that all I talk about on here? puppies, poop, and midlife crisis? Eeks. And here I thought I was more classy than that.

I.am.going.crazy.

Not crazy, crazy... just slightly crazy. Of course, I've been told on numerous occasions that crazies don't know they are crazy.. so perhaps I'm not really going crazy? Eeks. I don't even think that sentence made sense. Oh well, it's my blog.

Here's the deal. Since starting round two of the crazy pills (you know, a little prozac never hurt anyone) I just could not care less. I went on them to combat the awful anxiety I possess. Now? I don't even stress about anything. The papers due on Thursday? Eh. They'll get done somehow. The two parent meetings I have tomorrow (parent meetings used to = stress beyond belief)? I'm ready for them. The messy house? Used to knock me off my rocker, which meant I was a bossy biatch, which meant nobody could stand me. Now? The mess will still be there tomorrow. Deadlines? Ahh.. those are nothing.

Here's where the crazy comes in..

I wish I had some part of me that would stress at least a bit. You know, make me care about the papers, meetings, and mess. Nope. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Not a care in the world.

Hopefully I'll find a happy medium. I work best under pressure. Of course, I think that means I have to have some pressure. Not exactly sure where that pressure will come from if I don't put it on myself!

Edited to add: The dogs? They still get my goat. They do stress me out and make me want to poke my eyeballs out. In a good way, of course.

No...

No, no.. they're not spoiled. I mean, I just happen to be sitting on the floor while they are resting comfortably on the chair and the couch. Riiiiiiiiight... not.spoiled.at.all.

Big Dog always has to know what's going on.. so as soon as I grabbed the camera, she was up and ready.

Little Dog? She could care less. She's just comfortable.

Advice?

I'm looking for some advice, Ladies. I'm counting on you.

Okay, here it is..

Hubby and I? We just can't agree on the sheets. He doesn't like a top sheet and I need a top sheet. I just don't feel tucked in without it. How do we make this work?

Keep in mind, we're both really stubborn and won't go down easily. So the whole compromise thing? That's out of the picture.

HELP.

Say what?

Today we were learning about Abe Lincoln because it was his birthday and I really wanted the kids to understand why we have Monday off from school. I read a cute little book about Mr. Lincoln and asked the kids to give me some information. Little Mister raises his hand and says, "Abraham Lincoln was the commander of the virgin army!" Um.. the virgin army or the Virginia Army?

I died laughing, of course.

How about the student who came in and tried to sign hi to me because I taught him how to do it yesterday? In case you are unfamiliar with sign language..

this is the letter h

This is the letter i...
This is what I got instead...

Yes, the shocker

If you are unfamiliar with the shocker, it is a pretty graphic sexual innuendo.

(I'd love to teach you the graphic reference but my mom reads this)

Apparently, that's what I taught my kid.

It's also what he taught his mother at home, I'm sure.

If I get fired tomorrow, you'll know why.

Feelings..

Today we wrote a little book about feelings. Writing about feelings for kids with severe emotional/behavioral problems is about like asking a blind person to see. It is very difficult.

However, my kids came up with, well.. just read for yourself.

I feel happy when.... "I am with Mrs. L", "I come to school" and "Mrs. L is happy"
I feel sad when... "Mrs. L moves my clip", "I leave school" and "I cannot play with Mrs. L"
I feel angry when..."Mrs. L doesn't come to school"


Seriously? These kids love me, don't they? I don't know why... I'm sometimes just plain moody. Of course, it's usually because someone screamed, "F*** You! I hate you!" at me. Then I'm the devil.

I am the center of their universe. Doesn't that just make you sad? Their parents should be the center of their universe, not their teacher.

I guess it's just because I'm that cool. (Hey, it's my blog- let me think what I want!)

Papers and Kids...

They both tend to make me grumpy.

So does sitting at the library while all I can think about is what I'm going to eat because I'm STARVING and when I'm going to get to go to bed because I'm EXHAUSTED.

Anyone care to guess what kind of mood I'm in?

Really?

Here's a few ways people have found my blog recently... I couldn't make this up if I wanted to!

My favorites:

i trashed my family during my midlife crisis-- really? How did that go for you? Did you throw them away in the trash or did you make them drink a lot? I'm confused.

kid smell feet-- yeah, they tend to do that.

midlife crisis - do not know what to do with my life-- I'm not sure you're going to find the answer here...

rhyme word for crisis-- how about slices?

Midlife. Dun Dun Dun-- yeah, that's my theme song.

crisis, vocabulary-- um.. I'm not sure what the vocabulary of a crisis is.. I'm sure it involves, "Help! Help! I'm in a crisis!" Or maybe slurring of the speech and looking like a rabid animal? At least that's how it always looks in my head.

Not Me! Monday...

Here's the drill... write a bunch of things you didn't (but actually did) do!

I most certainly did not do a little dance when I found out I could get a wireless connection while babysitting-- I mean, I'm supposed to be working on my paper. I'm totally more responsible than that.

Not me! Nope, not me! I did not avoid a co-worker today who I knew was having a bad day and just wanted to whine about her kids. I'm nicer than that. (No Kellie, it wasn't you!)

I most certainly do not get jealous every time I walk into the house I babysit in. I mean, just because it's perfect and everything I want my house to be, I wouldn't be jealous. Jealousy is a useless emotion.

I most certainly did not go and buy a pair of work out pants and a hoodie because I didn't feel like babysitting in my work clothes. I'm more responsible than that. (In my defense, I always come home with drool, spit up, or poop on me.. I don't want to ruin my work clothes)

No way! Not me... I did not stop working on my paper yesterday because I didn't think I liked the idea of finishing it before Wednesday. Procrastinator? Not me.

I most certainly did not take offense when my student patted my stomach and said, "I love squishing your tummy! It's SOOOOOO squishy!" I mean, really. He's 7.. he doesn't know I'm fat, right?

Nope! Not me. I didn't get winded carrying the 3 year old up two flights of stairs. I'm totally in better shape than that. Really.

Seriously, none of those were me. Honest.

65 and stuck inside...

WARNING: Pity Party

Yes, it's 65 degrees outside and I'm stuck inside writing papers, working on a project, and writing progress reports. To make it worse? I'm at the library doing it.

The good thing? The library closes in 40 minutes, so I'm outta here soon!

Eeks.

Why, why, why do I have NO motivation for anything right now? I have a paper, a presentation, progress reports, portfolio, and project (ALL p's? Weird..) to work on this weekend. Half of them are due by the end of the week... perhaps I should be working?

Instead? I'm sitting in the living room blogging and hoping that hubby will ask if I want to take a nap because then I'd have an excuse to not attack all those p words.

Shoot. I might actually have to get something done otherwise a panic attack MAY happen. No one wants to deal with that, now do they?

Who Knew?

Today was one of those days. You know, the kind where someone looks at you funny and you'll either a) burst into tears, or b) rip their head off. I went back and forth between the two.

Apparently kids can sense that. Of course, it might have been because when someone said my name five times in the course of 2 seconds I snapped and said, "That's it! I'm changing my name. I will no longer answer to Mrs. L." And the little guy said, "Well, what will you answer to? I have to know what to call you when I need your help or want to give you a hug." How about that for a little wake up call that you're not really being nice teacher. Then my little darling walked up and gave me a hug and said, "I could tell you needed that. I'm a pretty good mime (yes, you read that correctly) reader."

Shoot. I thought I could fool them. I had to tell them that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and that's why I was a little grumpy today.

Later on I snapped at a little one and he said, "Ugh. Mrs. L, you sound just like my mom right now. Can you wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, please?"

Sure thing, little man. That's why I'm going to bed at 8:30 tonight.

I might even try sleeping on hubby's side of the bed. You know, so I can wake up on the right side.

Carrots and other inspiring thoughts..

Things have been quite the adventure in the classroom this week..

We are studying animals using camouflage to help hunt and keep them hidden from predators. We were discussing how the use of camouflage helps them to blend in with their surroundings. One little guy proudly proclaimed that he didn't have a hard time seeing the animals because, "I eat my carrots!" I was quite confused.. he was able to clarify for me, "You see, Mrs. L, carrots help you see better! I eat mine, so that's why I can see those animals. Man.. don't you know anything? I mean, all these animals need is more carrots, then they can hunt as good as me."

Duh. My bad. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I think his dad just says that so he'll eat his carrots.

Another little guy? After being the "weatherman" for us during morning meeting proudly wipes his hands and says, "I think my work here is done!" Yes, you're right. It is. He later told me, "Mrs. L.. it's because I'm smarter than the average bear!" Totally in a Yogi Bear voice. Sweet dude, you are smarter than the average bear. If only you could stop throwing temper tantrums and annoying me. I'm sure Yogi doesn't annoy his teachers. Every.Single.Day.

And, lastly.. "Mrs. L, why do they say the moon is made out of cheese? I mean, really.. cheese floating in outer space? Now THAT doesn't make any sense." This is after he told me that he flew to the moon last night and brought back a moon rock for all of us to see. I mean, because that totally makes sense.

Seriously, these kids are killing me. I have the hardest time not laughing at them.

OH! One more. One very upset little guy says, "Man! You're all driving me crazy! I wouldn't drive you crazy!" You're right, little man.. you never drive me crazy. Ever. Promise.

Come on now..

Two times in 24 hours I've had to go to the bathroom really badly. We're talking have to go like three minutes ago, gotta go. (a little side note: I absolutely HATE going to the bathroom in public. I once made my parents drive home early from dinner at a restaurant that is 45 minutes from home. I really don't like going in public)

Well, both times I had to go involved someone standing in the way. The first time? Shopping. Left to go home and of course, the furnace guy was in our basement bathroom working on the furnace. (we are re-doing our upstairs bathroom so that toilet was not an option) I was rocking back to keep from going. I'm not kidding when I say that I almost went in the back yard.

Second time? Target. Shopping (again). Finally got up the nerve to go. Check out and proceed to walk at a rapid pace to the bathroom. Bam! Ran right into the closed sign. Seriously?

I drive home at a pretty rapid speed. Walk in the door, greet hubby and run downstairs. As I'm running down the stairs he shouts, "Make sure the toilet works!" Wait.. what? So I calmly, er, not so calmly, ask him what I should do if it doesn't. His thoughts? "Go in the back yard, I guess?"

Seriously? Back yard? What.. is this 1896?